Global Domination

Audio Autopsy - November 2009

01/11/09  ||  Global Domination

Hypocrisy: A taste of extreme divinity

7.7/10

Lord K: There’s no end to the productivity in Tägtgren’s world. Hypocrisy never really did it for me except for a few tunes, but it’s nice to see talented people churn out music every now and then, no matter the genre. This album will place itself with the other Hypocrisy releases in my book. Good, well-produced metal but nothing to actually get yer penis out for. Peter’s vocals are quite fucken ace though. Not an outstanding record but definitely good enough for a “fuck you”. 7

Kampfar: “A taste of extreme divinity” is the best Hypocrisy release since their self-titled affair, no doubt about it, but more spins are needed before I land on a final verdict. Yep, I’m slow on par with a drooling retard. 8

The Duff: Don’t know the band’s past, classic albums, only really ever got into “The Arrival” which was alright… WHEN I WAS 14!? SMEEEACKDOWN! Oh, but in all honesty, this is really good – death/black metal with sci-fi spooky elements (k… keyboards?) and quite a big Dissection vibe; Peter Tägtgren is somewhat of a legend, you know, and I’d probably lick his nuts for his excellent production jobs and vocal stamp on Bloodbath’s “Nightmares Made Flesh” alone. Also for his other band Pain, which I can’t stand. I probably would just lick his nuts for being sweet, beautiful Peter. That’s it; being chastised for the length of my AA entries means that you can either get murmured, slightly forced chuckles or an actual review of the content – if I know my readers like I know the ring of my ass, then more “nut-licking” gags is what you’re pining for if only to skip through every single paragraph I write. NOW… LICK MY NUTS! 7

Trauma: Fucken finally some good death metal. Much better than “Virus” in every way. It’s nice to see them back and not half-assing their music. Peter’s vocals sound fantastic as always and the melodic riffs are there. 8

CadenZ: Quite the melodic version of “extreme divinity”, this. Tägto’s aliens seem to be on the hunt for poppy & catchy choruses, with the (very) occasional brutalo-riff with blast beats. It’s a shame they don’t throw in the pounding more often, that’d harden this penis to the throbbing kind. Now we’ll have to manage with a regular stiffy, it gets the job done and everybody satisfied, but leaves you in want of more. Still, the crunchy production, Horgh’s drumming and the ear-piercing shrieks lift the verdict to a well deserved: 8

Methodical (guest): This album was pretty fucken good, at least to my ears. Everything sounded very even and clean. I honestly really love an album where you can hear all the elements involved evenly. The vocals and the guitars are probably the tastiest part of this ugly baby. The range from growls to screams and everything in between just does it for me. I know this band has done some weird ass shit before, but it seems like they tamed down a bunch of the funny business to put something out a bit more… listenable. Score one for them. There’s some great guitar tone on this too. More layers than a fat girl’s wedding cake, but fuck it, it sounds like a bulldozer and that’s what matters on an album like this. My only complaint is that the song “Global Domination” doesn’t quite live up to the name. Lord K should cockpunch someone over that little fact. 8

Alice In Chains: Black gives way to blue

7.3/10

Lord K: Sure, I dig some of the older Alice stuff but thought the band should remain dead with vocalist-supreme Layne fucking off to Drugland De Luxe. Obviously this album proved me a little wrong and the new guy is actually a better replacement for the deceased one than one would ever think. I am surprised and this resurrection is legit considering the material on “Penis gives way to pussy”. I know, not even a 3 year old would come up with such a lame penis joke. I’m fucken special. Fuck you. 7

Kampfar: Alice In Chains sounds, judging by the name, as a bunch of dudes into hefty sado-sex. The actual music, on the other hand, isn’t at all infected by this kink. I wish it was, at least a bit, for what I hear is quality music done the boring way. 6

The Duff: One of my favourite bands finally re-emerges with a well suited replacement for Layne. Considering that the band’s later, least appreciated period is thought of as one of its best in my mind and Jerry Cantrell’s solo material being goddamned sweet fucken cherries inside Sienna Miller’s asshole needing to be excavated somehow, and you can imagine how hopes were high. They haven’t disappointed as such, but magazines giving “Black Gives Way to Blue” perfect scores and word of mouth claiming a return to the sound of “Dirt” cements just how essential the word of sordid webzines like our very own uphold the gritty reality metal coverage deserves. Needs another track or two, production is underwhelming and the one about taking a woman out and seeing her again is weak sauce. 7

Trauma: If these guys aren’t my favorite artist of all time, they are very close to being just that. I go into this album with extremely high hopes that it doesn’t suck tremendously and I’m glad it doesn’t, check my review. William Duvall is not all over this record, as this seems to be obviously personal for the other members of the band, but his contributions in vocals are good. We may never again hear songs like “Man in the box”, “Dirt”, or “Would?” but they’ve still got it. 9

CadenZ: A somewhat lame, but still worthy, comeback from Cantrell & co. I like the new vocalist, but there are no super hit songs to speak of here, and the overall feeling is too subdued… no rawness to be found. Snap out of it, Jerry, and next time give us some ballbusters! 6

Methodical (guest): This is my pick of the litter right here. I wasn’t sure what I’d think about this album when it came out, and I’m still not sold on them using the Alice In Chains name, but hey, it ain’t my band. What I am sold on though is this album. It’s everything I had hoped it would be. The guitars are vintage Cantrell. The man just knows tone. The song Check Your Brain is one catchy little devil too. Probably the poppiest thing Jerry’s ever written, but I can’t get it out of my head, so it worked. Funny thing though, the two songs that William Duvall sings on are the two that give off the most classic Alice In Chains vibe. This album is no Dirt, but it stands up well in the catalog. I’d give it a perfect score, but it’s missing one thing holding it back from being perfect. Layne. 9

Marduk: Wormwood

7.2/10

Lord K: When I got the first great black metal dose handed to me in the form of Dark Funeral some 10 years ago I started looking for other Swedish bands that I might be able to get into. I tried to appreciate Marduk on numerous occasions but never succeeded. I have to face it, Marduk’s not for me. Dark Funeral is. Mard(f)u©k you. 5

Kampfar: In my review/rant on “Wormwood” I claimed it to be a piece of quality black somewhat tainted by drums not pounding the point properly home. I still claim the same. 8

The Duff: Marduk are back and playing hard and fast just like Marduk have always done since starting out as Marduk. “Chorus of Cracking Necks”? Marduk will Marduk forever Marduk. 7

Trauma: Am I missing something? I hear good things about this band but I don’t quite hear anything as such. 5

CadenZ: The feel for timing and nuances, details and the big picture, variation and consequence – these are things that are very hard to learn. The cliché “some just have it, some don’t” actually is true when it comes to these skills, which are essential in the art of composing. What does that have to with Marduk’s new album? Well, these guys have it and stunning proof thereof is “Wormwood”. 9

Methodical (guest): Oh my, how do I even describe something this awesome? Allow me to metaphorize. And make up a new word. This is getting a blowjob from a drunked up Scarlett Johansen while eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on the toilet. Not clear enough? This is a cold beer in a hot shower. This is freshly trimmed, hot pink vagina. Coyote. Ferrari. Peter Forsberg. Stanley Cup. 9

The Few Against Many: Sot

6.5/10

Lord K: This edition’s winner for sure. Melodic, brutal, beautiful and tastefully arranged. There’s some work put into this and The Few Against Many deserve your attention. And your cum. Fuck you. 8

Kampfar: I expected metal-core with shouted vocals but what I got was melodic death with proper growls and actual death present. Not bad. 7

The Duff: Yeah, not bad. What the fuck else do you want? I will place my nuts between two slices of bread and douse them in too much ketchup, so that when you lick the seepage, I will chuckle at the fact that you licked my nuts. Hilarity doth run rampant amidst my words. If Hypocrisy doesn’t beat this band though, such a joke will still be funny to you but otherwise quite the conundrum. 6

Trauma: I expected a shit band and I get a not-so-shit band. Funny how it works out like that. I had no idea this was Mr. Älvestam’s new band, and it kinda wants to make me like it a bit more. 7

CadenZ: Quite the original combination this, progressive and melodic yet hard and relentless death metal with – brace yourself – not orchestra but choir hits (yes, choir hits), symphonic string arrangements and cheesy 80s prog rock keyboard leads. Lose the hits and strings and you’ve got yourself a winning combo, ‘cause the songwriting is very good and the musicianship immaculate. The 80’s synth leads are actually cool, and remind of Dan Swanö’s “Moontower”, which is a fantastic piece of metal art. 7

Methodical (guest): I imagine this is one of those bands that you’re supposed to be impressed with as soon as you hear them. I’m not. I hate this type of keyboards. I’m not against all keyboard use, of course, but this theatric horseshit just gets on my nerves and quickly. This whole album actually gets on my nerves. It’s like they threw together something from just about every metal genre, mixed it up, and spit out an album. I bet some people think this is avantgarde or something. It’s not. This is pre-school kids with mouths full of paste making bad collages of firetrucks. This is a retard kid fingerpainting a big smiley face on a his bedroom wall with his own shit. 4

Evile: Infected nations

6.3/10

Lord K: I have a very hard time giving a fuck about this new thrash wave that is currently flooding the world. Nothing will ever beat the days of old when Forbidden and their likes reigned supreme. Evile’s not bad at all, it’s just that I have difficulties letting this kind of music grow on me since I lived it and cherished it more than I ever cherished your mom back in the day. There’s no denying they have their shit down though. But I rather go back to Forbidden’s 2 first albums for my daily thrash dose. Forbidden rules. Fuck you. 5

Kampfar: Whenever the vocalist keeps his mouth shut I very much enjoy what Evile is up to. And that’s the usual story when it comes to me vs. quality thrash. 6

The Duff: I’m not sure this is the Evile I remember, I’m getting a new-age thrash album (picture Zyklon of the thrash-realm, with similar vocals that merge Destructhor’s “clean-er” style and Sydow from ex-Darkane); before they were Slayer meets Metallica, now we’re at very polished, close to tech-death thrash in feel but quite meager in content with some absolutely jaw-dropping leads. Although their debut was probably more well received than many in the genre, I’m not sure why they couldn’t keep the throwback shit intact considering Municipal Waste and such are less of a “to the throat” ensemble (y’know, Anthrax and their happy-go-lucky bullshit… for shame excluding Testament from the big four). I wish the band well, of course, through these tough times they’re facing; as for the album, eh, not bad, not really the important balls-out thrash sophomore they needed to release following the highly enjoyable “Enter the Grave”, overall it being too sterile. 6

Trauma: These guys completely surprised me. These fucks sound they like took off where Metallica lost it. This is fucken excellent. The riffs, man. Those fucken riffs. I avoided this band purely on their name, and now I kick myself in the balls. 9

CadenZ: Quality thrash. The vocals’ monotony gets a bit annoying at length, but the convincing guitar riffs and leads make up for it. Gotta love that raw attack on the guitar sound they’ve managed to create, it gives the riffs a whole different punch and aggressiveness. I hope Evile decide to battle on despite the tragic passing of their bassist Mike Alexander (RIP) and get a good guy/gal to fill his spot, ‘cause this band is one of the best in today’s thrash scene. 7

Methodical (guest): I hate it when people on the Internet say “meh.” I know what it means; that you don’t give a shit. But really, who ever says that shit in real life? Well, I’m about to. Meh. Call me a shallow, listless self loather, but that’s actually how I feel for once. Everything on here is competent thrash, but I just feel like I’ve heard it all before. Not a single track stood out to me. It’s good and all, but damn, it’s just not memorable. I’d really just rather go blast a Testament album. 5

Immortal: All shall fall

6.3/10

Lord K: I like one Immortal album and that is “Penises of Northern darkness”. This one is ok, though I don’t think it stands up to said recording. Melodic black metal with a fine production and lyrics about snow, mountains and Eskimos – that’s some tr00 fucken black metal for ya. Oh, and the cover is absolutely ace. Thanx to Midas Touch for this one: Pha-Q. 7

Kampfar: Immortal married I and a couple of years later “All shall fall” arrived. 7

The Duff: A big disappointment; I knew they shouldn’t have reformed, fucken “Sons of Northern Darkness” should have been their closing masterpiece. But when the specters of frosty lions beckon you in your dreams to approach anew the desolate battlegrounds once filled by the bodies of your fallen comrades to write riffs in their honour and for the blood they shed in the name of Ravendark the God of Grim, or maybe after a couple of beers around the table of reminiscence you just want to get back together and jam some fucken metal, it’s not always wise to follow your instincts or succumb to the overwhelming lust to don the body garments with spiky shit on ‘em and smear your face with snus so it looks like your eyes are leaking camel shit. This album plods along much like my retarded shambles of a paragraph, with a moment or two, I’m hoping that if they stick it through the next album shits all over “All Shall Fall” and the band returns to greatness. This “keeping it short” deal ain’t working out for me. 5

Trauma: It’s pretty fucken mediocre for one of the most infamous black metal bands in the world. Vocals sound tired and so does the music. I don’t see this album being a grower, but “The rise of darkness” is pretty good. 6

CadenZ: Abbath, what the fuck – I’ve heard all of this before. There’s nothing new to be found here; except for the fact that at times he’s arranged the guitars to play, idiotically, a major and minor chord simultaneously. This could be a cool effect done right, but here it just sounds like shit. Probably because he wasn’t aware of it, his mind being absorbed in the frosty tales descending into his subconscious from Blashyrkh and all. Ah well. Better luck next time, Yeti. 6

Methodical (guest): Ah, Immortal. At this point these guys have gone so over the top, especially with their promo pictures and YouTube instructional videos, that you really can’t help but laugh. A lot. At the same time, it’s kind of refreshing to see a band so lost in it’s own little universe that they’ve become either blissfully unaware of what people think, or maybe they just don’t give a fuck. Good for them either way. This is probably the best sounding album they’ve ever put out. It’s so clean, almost like a hard rock record. There is more subtlety and nuance in this album than any before, but at the same time it’s not nearly as bloodthirsty as previous efforts. Sort of a double edged sword there. Musically this might be their best effort, but it’s also the least “tr00.” Wow, I feel a lot gayer for typing that. I wonder if Abbath ever feels that way as he’s peeling away another layer of corpsepaint in a lonely, grim and frostbitten hotel room? 7

Nile: Those whom the gods detest

6.2/10

Lord K: Nile is definitely too complicated for me. There’s just too many things going on here, and this is coming from a guy who runs The Project Hate MCMXCIX. Nile’s probably a great fucken band, I know I was blown away the first time I heard them, but nowadays I just don’t “get” it though it’s actually some great death metal if you have the time to dissect it. Sadly, I don’t. What was the name of that song again…? “Spell containing the penis to prevent semen to attack he who is in the water with a ton of fuck you’s”. There. 5

(Update: Some Nile fans are sheer geniuses. Check out their posts about this Audio Autopsy here.)

Kampfar: If you crave pounding brutality coupled with harmonies and oddities manufactured in Egypt, or thereabout, Nile won’t disappoint this time around either. However, “Amongst the catacombs of Nephren-Ka” remains their finest moment still. 8

The Duff: Nile return with their sixth album, and their seasoned style and long-time playing the death metal circuit is starting to show. I’ll always support them, but where “Ithyphallic” was disappointing to the masterpiece “Annihilation of the Wicked”, this is upsettingly a glaring accruement of rehashed ideas. The production at the hands of Kernon is spot on save for the weak kicks, Karl’s vocals being more prominent is welcomed with open arms, George is boring me as with his performance on their last, the doom sections are becoming close to superfluous as well as terribly drawn-out, the solos are fucking sweet and overall every track brings with it the awesome, the non-stimulatingly languid and the repeated, close to replicated. “Most eclectic” is misleading, as it’s purely the rather unusual samples by Nile’s standards that make this a unique addition to their discography. They’re also losing the knack of making an album flow seamlessly from beginning to end; I’m a picky bastard for sure, but I had the highest of hopes for one of my favourite bands here, and they failed to deliver. 6

Trauma: Vocals sound pretty good, better than the vocals I heard on their music videos. And “Kafir!” contains a fucken great chanting verse. That alone deserves the album the score I give this. Unfortunately, they go down the boring route and I just can’t really get into the rest of the album. 5

CadenZ: Yeah! Spank that pharaoh ass! Whip it hard, you slave motherfu… oh. Hi. Welcome to the Wheel of Torture. We are those whom even the gods detest, so foul be our ways. Here’s your pergament form B9, please scribble your hieroglyph next to the torment of your choice. 75 minutes of “St. Anger” with headphones and the drums turned up a notch in the mix? Good call, even Osiris can’t save you now, moahahaHAHAHAA!! Haha. Har. Stupid mortals. 7

Methodical (guest): I’ve got a few friends that consider themselves pretty shithot guitar players. These guys are always telling me that with Nile, you either “get it” or you don’t, and if you don’t, you don’t understand music. Well, I don’t get Nile all that much, I guess. Everything sounds cool and murky and evil as shit, but I guess I’m just missing all this musical wizardry that’s supposed to be going on. You can sing about the crawling dead for as long as you want, but if I can’t figure out what the fuck you’re playing, then what’s the point really? Zombies don’t make up for everything, obviously. I just don’t see what in this music elevates them to a Morbid Angel level, for instance. The whole thing comes off as slightly above average at best. If anyone wants to explain Nile to me though, fuck it, I’ll listen to you. 6

Dying Fetus: Descend into depravity

5.7/10

Lord K: Cookie monster shit vocals? Check. Quantized-all-to-hell kicks? Check. Extremely irritating death metal with absolutely no-to-little relevance? Check. Dying Fetus? Check. The very Max Payne-ish cover is fucken ace though, but this shit is… shit. Absolutely fuck you. 3

Kampfar: Burly vocals, shitty lots of blasts and heavy riffing ain’t enough for me to dig an album anymore. Then again, “Killing on adrenaline” still tickles my tickly parts and “Descend into depravity” I also enjoy. 7*

The Duff: Not a fan of DF; the songs don’t flow, and with sporadic moments of technicality that seem uncomfortably placed and breakdowns that are painfully simple, I’m unlikely to consider them reigning champions of any genre within death metal. I shan’t argue that they have some decent ideas, but many have claimed this a return to form and I’m consequently swayed into thinking them unimportant to the scene. 6

Trauma: For some reason this one has the lowest output of all the albums I’ve heard. The drums have a pretty shitty sound. And the vocals are pretty lackluster, making the entire musical package much worse than it should be in the end. I think Misery Index is all the Maryland band I need, fuck you much. Steelers 4 life, yo. 4

CadenZ: Balance is key, balance between chaos and catchy. DF are close to finding it, but not quite there. The musicianship is stunning of course (minus the growler), but the arranging needs polishing. Still a fine disc. 7

Methodical (guest): Ah, yes, the fucken Fetus are back. Feti? Fetuses? Lunch? I was worried how this album would sound now that Jason is gone. Admittedly the lyrics have fallen off a bit. Their is still enough enraged political mumbo jumbo going on, it’s just not quite as vital as previous efforts. One thing that hasn’t changed though are the breakdowns that make you feel like you just got curbstomped. Some of the best in the game right there. This just feels like an album made for dudecore moshpits, full of nasty, filthy groove. I don’t have a problem with that. 7

Illdisposed: To those who walk behind us

5.5/10

Lord K: Illdisposed’s “1-800 Vindication” is an ace album. Then came “Burn me wicked”, a disc that definitely sucked quite a bit. And here we are with “To those who walk behind us”… You guessed it, it’s no “1-800” but at least it’s better than “Burn me wicked”. And I’m sure that I’m not the only one who thinks Bo’s multi-layered vocals are starting to get fucken irritating… Fuuuuuuck you.6

Kampfar: “Those who walk behind us” is the best Illdisposed platter since “1-800 vindication”. But, since I haven’t got all the time in the world, I’ll stick to their past in the future as well. 7

The Duff: Boohoo, this band hasn’t released anything decent since “1800-Vindication”. Sucks to be Illdisposed, I guess, ‘cos “To Those Who Walk Behind Us… Is It For Rape?” is pitifully average, and their downward streak seems far from halted. I probably didn’t mean any of the words in that last sentence; I don’t know Illdisposed, but I don’t think much to ‘em based on this disc. 4

Trauma: This band is sporting a bunch of damn groovy riffs, and the tunes themselves are pretty good. The vocals just don’t sit well with the music to me. This is another band that I am completely unfamiliar with and somewhat interested in checking them out further. 7

CadenZ: Yawn. Generic motherfucken death metal (yawn) with generic growling and some fucken awful constipated deathcore vocals (fucken super yawn). Even more boring than yer momma last night. And that’s saying a lot. 3

Methodical (guest): I pretty much like just about everything about this album. Nothing jumps out in a “HOLY SHIT” kind of way, but then at the same time nothing even approaches sucking. I have an older album from them, so I gave it a spin too. The older album is a bit better, so that’s not a good sign for the band as a whole. There is more good than bad here though. The only question I really have is why the fuck did someone in this band decide to put the sound of a Subaru WRX Impreza or something like it peeling out right in the middle of a song? Really? Who does that shit? At what fucken point are you sitting around in the studio when suddenly you get the brilliant idea to just throw some car noises in the middle of a song? Why? Just why? Mainly, why can’t I have some of those drugs? 6

Dethklok: Deathalbum II

5.3/10

Lord K: Cartoon death metal that actually holds more substance than you thought would be possible considering the circumstances. If Deathklok were a “serious” band I’m not sure they’d get as much attention as they do now, but the thing is – they do this quite well. Maybe not too weird considering the people involved with this project. Still, it’s cartoon death metal and that’s the biggest problem. Think about it… Cartoon death metal… Seriously? Fuck you. 6

Kampfar: “Metalocalypse” was a funny show for about 3 episodes and the first Dethklok platter had its moments as well. The biggest fan of humor in metal I never was, that because the novelty has a tendency to wear off faster than cheap make-up on a whore left in the rain, but still I dig some of the songs found on “their” debut. As opposed to none this time around. 5

The Duff: I missed the Dethklok train years back, with their sophomore, I’m not sold. The riffs are good, entertaining, and I’m glad the band will bring more exposure to a genre that one day will anally pierce a vapid music industry in dire need of soulful musicians (case in point, oh my fucking undersized dick!), but I can’t help but feel that the music is empty calories, over-processed, quite worthless and stretching over a variety of sub-genres for the sake of it because the band wants to represent metal as opposed to play it with the set of genuine man-marbles demanded to tone up, rock out and father many bastard children just like Blain from “Predator” or Manowar. 4

Trauma: The Duncan Hills Coffee jingle is my favorite thing that Dethklok has done. I don’t watch the show and am not a fan at all, really. I don’t like the guitar sound. This music is boring and seems like a cash-in. 4

CadenZ: It could be embarrassing for the majority of the world’s (real) death metal bands to not have a chance quality-wise against Dethklok. Meaty riffs, cool and catchy arrangements, incredible drumming by Hoglan and an aura of pure and utter creative joy make this album a winner. 7

Methodical (guest):So, gimmick bands are allowed to put out more than one album? I fucken missed that memo. Well, at least this isn’t quite the piece of shit that the first album was. But then that album was also hilarious though. Like when you’re backdooring a hot chick and she poops on your Johnson. Awesome situation, shit result. This album feels more like a “real” band, but then a lot of the humor is gone. I’d enjoy this a lot more it if they were able to find a happy medium between jamming some good metal and making me laugh ‘til I piss myself. It’s possible, Tenacious D does it. “Black Fire Upon Us” is a fucken jam though. I’ll give them an extra point for that one. 6

Europe: Last look at Eden

5/10

Lord K: Over 20 years ago this was my fave band. It’s nice to see them going even if their days of fame are long gone. One thing is certain: Europe’s still having the flame burning bright for hardrock. “Last look at Eden” sounds vital and a lot hungrier than one would ever imagine considering the guys are like 400 years old now. One major fuck-up though; what is that on the cover? A spike-infested asshole? That is seriously worthy of a “fuck you”. 6

Kampfar: The last time I heard Europe was way back in the horrendous 80’s, the album in question being “The final cuntdown”, and at the time speaking me happened to be a fan of their pop infested hard-rock. “A last look at Eden” isn’t pop infested but me and Europe will never be friends again. 4

The Duff: I… like.. Europe? This isn’t right. Good production values, great musicianship, sure the songs aren’t anything I’ll play again and it’s simply not my style of music but for a band that I thought was a one-track wonder (the only track playing in my head when performing those ultimate thrusts to ecstasy, there isn’t an hail of comets could halt me once I’m “in the zone”, i.e. your vagina… your vagina is the zone), having skirted around their latest, this has really surprised me – see, this is where Ace Frehley falls short; no fucking songs. It can’t in all fairness get the same score as the new Alice in Chains as universes will collide, but I think both deserve about the same on the grounds of what they’re worth. 6

Trauma: I can picture a bunch of middle-aged men working out to “Gonna get ready” in the gym. On the treadmill, at the bench, on the stairs… all of them, listening to it at the same time, pumping and moving to the beat. There I go again getting a boner. 6

CadenZ:As said before , this is the best album the middle-aged L’Oreal models have extracted out of their butts since their comeback some five years ago. The greasy and heavy riffs have the foot stompin’ along, the orchestral keyboards and poppy chord-laden tunes not so much. 6

Methodical (guest): The only thing I even remotely like about this band, or this piece of shit album, is the fact that every now and then when my wife gets liquored up, she likes to tease her hair out, throw on some spandex and leg warmers and do a very nice ’80s style strip tease for me, usually to Europe’s “The Final Countdown.” That’s about it though. So I’ll throw these assholes a couple of points, one for each of my wife’s great tits. And they’re lucky to get that much. 2

Municipal Waste: Massive aggressive

3.8/10

Lord K: Much like with Evile, this new thrash thing is not my cup of tea. Municipal Waste is a fucken shit band. Sure, I can smile at the obvious Nuclear Assault influences and whatnot, but in the long-run… Not a fucken chance. Also, I’m not even sure if this deserves to be labeled “thrash” since it’s more punk/HC shit with metal riffs here and there. Either way – fuck you. 3

Kampfar: Thrash metal, crossover, hardcore, thrashcore, are all tags used to describe the nature of Municipal Waste. Anyways, frenzied thrash with a tongue in the cheek attitude, coupled with a really rather thin production, will never make my day. Do Evile instead. 3

The Duff: A good album, but I’m not the biggest fan of the band – always wanting to appreciate them more than I do, this album is worthy Anthrax worship, but I don’t understand the praise. 5

Trauma: Never heard these guys before, surprisingly okay. Punkish thrash with some catchy riffs. I’m liking this. 7

CadenZ: Aggressive? Maybe. Massive? Hardly. The best thing about this album is that it’s over in less than half an hour. Go ska and punk yourselves somewhere else, twats. 3

Methodical (guest): Am I the only one tired of the thrash revival already? I hope not. I hate this fucking band. The drummer is good, but his other bands are better than this. Much better. This horseshit is ridiculous. No, beyond that. It’s ricockulous. These are the kind of guys that wear their hat backwards, and when they turn it around, it’s still backwards. If you asked them to write a memorable riff they would just put on metal gauntlets and smash the shit out of their amp. I hate this band and they should be thrown in a deep well. 2

Kittie: In the black

3.7/10

Lord K: At least the cunt’s vocals are pleasant. Read me for a more in-depth coverage of this shit. F-u-c-k-y-o-u. 4

Kampfar: Kittie is less shitty and quite a bit heavier than I imagined them to be. And they live in Canada. 5

The Duff: First Europe, now Kittie; never thought I’d see the day I’d enjoy an album from these gals, but they rock relatively hard. I wanted to refrain from sexism in my rather classy breakdown of the album, but erm, from the band’s Wiki page – “I think there were a few other pussy sounding names… But Kittie was chosen, and the rest is history”; we get it, you have ovaries, Jesus already. 5

Trauma: This is the first time I have ever heard Kittie. So I’m a bit surprised it doesn’t sound like I always thought, but pretty fucken close. Clean vocals are very easy to listen to, and unfortunately their compositional skills don’t save the fact they are hideous. Since overall this sucks tremendous wee-wee, this is now the last time I ever listen to Kittie. 2

CadenZ: Come Kittie Kittie… come Kittie Kittie… come Kittie Kittie… good Kittie. SMACK. Honey, dinner’s served! 3

Methodical (guest): Oh shit, titrock? Fuck off. Didn’t there used to be a hot broad in this band or did the fat girl eat her? Seriously though, this Black Label Society ripoff is pretty fucken horrible. You ever notice how every time these girls put out an album it’s in a style that was popular five years before? I’ll tell you what, if four dudes put out this album, or any piece of shit album from this “band,” they’d be stuck jamming out for 20 bucks at the local YMCA. I was gonna give them one point for each vagina, but I’m still not sure the fat one isn’t a man. 3

Kiss: Sonic boom

3.3/10

Lord K: I’m sure no one saw this coming. Kiss actually sound like the glory days of old. Somewhat anyways. I was surprised and I’m sure you were too. Then again, it’s been some 20 years since I liked Kiss and I don’t think it’s about to start over today. The Money Machine is still going, only now they actually sound good too. Fuckaroo and fuck-fuck you. 5

Kampfar: If in the mood for Jewish comedy, do “Seinfeld” or “Curb Your Enthusiasm” instead. I hate sleaze rock. 2

The Duff: If ever there was a band that sonically represented the image of a man sitting on my face. At least the lyrics make more sense than Ace Frehley’s band, and the songs seem more “complete”. New guitar player is pretty damn good too. Alright, here goes. 4

Trauma: I was always into AC/DC and Keep It Simple Stupid just seemed so… not my thing. Gene Simmons is pretty fucken cool, but this album only partially. 6

CadenZ: You all know how this sounds – it’s exactly as one would expect – and depending on if you’re a KISS fan or not, it’s either the best thing since man invented anal sex or the worst thing since woman invented anal sex strike. 2

Methodical (guest): Get the fuck out of here. This is horrific. This is a one legged nun eating a moldy cheese danish. The only thing KISS should do when they get together is play a nice long game of Hide And Go Fuck Yourself. Are we allowed to give out negative numbers? No? Fine then…1

Ace Frehley: Anomaly

2.2/10

Lord K: I mean, hello? Ace Frehley? Who dug this fucker out of the manure? And believe this – the cover is actually better than the music. And that is one of the ugliest fucken covers I ever had the misfortune of seeing. My eyes, my eyes! Spacemaaaaaaaaan!!! Fuck you. 3

Kampfar: Ass Faily and friends should visit a Kiss concert and suicide-bomb themselves during “Crazy, crazy nights”. Not really, but fuck knows I can’t stand their piss-poor take on hard-rock. My poor brain prefers silence over this. 3

The Duff: I’ve never liked Kiss to the point where I can’t hum a single one of their tunes. Ace Frehley has been inspiration to a thousand and one young, developing guitar players, and there’s no doubt he has skill and feeling lacking in many present-day virtuosos, but he can’t write very memorable music. There are a couple of riffs, but not only has this style of music passed us by, but it’s become a mockery thereby negating any value; the lyrics make this slightly more enjoyable than they should, as they’ve been penned childishly and with no sense of cohesion – a string of ramblings about loosely construed concepts and anything that’ll rhyme with ‘em, like “I met a girl”, “I go diving for pearls”, “I make her head swirl” and “My face is covered in pussy juice”. Actually, that makes a whole buttfull of sense. Rock and roll, peace n’ stuff and fugly women, not exactly storming the intellectual castle. Track “Genghis Khan” makes for some pretty good porn music, though; big butt porn music. 3

Trauma: I don’t have time for self-indulgent middle-age rock with a cover evoking Abbath in space. The best lyrics in this piece of doodoo? “Alcohol was a friend of mine”. Time to get reacquainted. 1

CadenZ: So, is Frehley usually referred to as Ace of Spades? Ace of Clubs? None of those? I know, from here on – let’s call him Ace of Shit! Moahahahahaha, moahahahaha, moahahaha… Fuck you. 2

Methodical (guest): Holy shit, is this real? This can’t be real. Ace took twenty years to polish this turd and this is as shiny as it got? That’s pretty disappointing for a guy that’s supposed to be a guitar legend. Half of this album sounds like bad Van Halen and the other half sounds like even worse Jimi Hendrix. And really, stop with the fucken double stop pentatonic riffs already. Please. At least this is better than the KISS album. Wow. Go back to drinking, Ace. 1

It Dies Today: Lividity

1.5/10

Lord K: Oh yes, I wish it had died today. Like I wish every band of the New Wave Of American Plague Metal genre do. Fuck you, fuck you, fuck, you, fuck you, fuck, you, fuck, you, fuck you. And fuck you. Fuck you. 2

Kampfar: It Dies Today, a generic metal-core ensemble with emo on board, is registered with over 3 million plays on the Last.fm network. Meatjack, a downright ace sludge orchestra, has about 2,9 million less of those. Hail humanity! 2

The Duff: Shadows Fall-lite, next plz how’s that for short, lol. 2

Trauma: I actually thought it was going to be okay, then after a minute I realized I was fucken wrong. Fucken atrocious clean vocals… obviously an American band. Ohhhh shit, here’s the fucken breakdowns. Here’s my breakdown: 1

CadenZ: Hmm, fucken modern something-core again. Not the worst I’ve heard, though sucks it does. And here comes the choru-aaaahhhh!!! AaaaarrrhhhHHHH!!! AAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! 1

Methodical (guest): It sucks out loud is what it does. I bet it is on Victory and I don’t even have to check. I bet IDT’s next album will have auto-tuned vocals and v-neck t-shirts. I bet I just deleted it off my hard drive. Fuck it. It deserves worse than death, and today isn’t soon enough. 1